


I don't need you and your antidote (for i am my disease)

by eversinceniall



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Break Up, Comparisons to stars, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Falling Out of Love, Friends to Lovers, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad, The moon and sun too, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:11:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kellin is sad, and Vic is happy.</p><p>They're supposed to be in love. Vic is Kellin's light, but what happens when it turns out Kellin is Vic's darkness?</p><p>Or, Kellin writes a note to Vic, detailing all his emotions about their break up, and the reasons why they broke up.</p><p>(I hope the description isn't too confusing. I suck a summaries. But it's good, I promise.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Vic,

I was worth it, wasn't I?

Or maybe not.

I wasn't worth it, was I?

I was worth it. I was worth losing everything, you said.

You lied.

I wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth losing everything.

I loved you.

I still do.

You loved me.

Now you don't.

Did you ever truly love me?

You kissed my scars, and told me I was everything you had ever wanted. You kissed my lips, you're worth the world, you said. You stroked my cheek, brushing my hair away from my face, I love you, you whispered, I love you so much.

You lied.

Beautiful, you're beautiful, you lied. I'll never leave you.

You made me feel like I was something. Like I mattered.

You were the sun and I was the moon and at times it felt like we were closer than anything, but even then you were so far away. You were bright, and you shined like the stars in the night sky, and you loved me. I was the exact opposite. I was dark, and quiet, and I was the star in the sky that didn't shine just as bright as all the rest. I was the star that, like a bonfire after hours, was dimming down, blowing out.

We were opposites and for a while that was alright. Opposites attract, they say. I loved you and you loved me and at that moment it was enough, even if it was one of the only things we had in common. What they never say is that opposites don't always last.

I don't know exactly what ended us, and I probably never will. But I have an idea.

You were light, and I was darkness.  
Darkness is always scary, and slowly, so slowly I didn't even realize it, I began to suck the life out of you. All your happiness, all your joy, disintegrated.

And maybe that's funny, or at least it is to me, because you were the only thing that ever made me feel alive, and I didn't even know I was killing you inside.

I was too sad, too mad. My head was filled with negative thoughts, telling me I was better off dead and I believed them.

You were there and you cared. You tried to help me. Loved me more than anyone else ever had.

But then my darkness started to rub off on you 

Maybe that's when you stopped loving me.

You broke up with me.

I don't love you the way I used to, and I think we should break up, you said, you're destructive, and you're destroying me.

My heart shattered. I was fragile, I was weak and my first instinct was to turn to my blade.

That's when I knew you were right. I was a mess. I was a tornado, and I was dragging you in.

 

I tried to pretend I was fine. But it was all a lie, a facade.

You said that we would still be friends. 

Liar.

I was negativity and you didn't need something so destructive as me in your life.

It's been a few months, but I still see you in the hallways of school.  
I duck my head so you don't see me.

You look happy. Your smile is radiant, and your laughter rings in my ears.

I'm glad you're happy. 

But I've realized that in the end, I was never anything but nothing, and I never really mattered.

I still love you.

Oh, Vic.

I love you so much my heart aches with each breath I take, threatening to jump out my throat.

And I've realized something.

You were the leaves on the trees, and I was the frosty air and snow that killed them. You were the spring time flowers and I was the rain that drowned them. I was the poison that would kill you, and I knew that I was always bound to love you more than you could ever love me.

I was like a disease, and you had to escape before the darkness within me spread to you, encasing your heart and soul and mind in nothing but bitterness.

I understand.

I do.

But there are so many things I still want to say.

You probably don't care.

So I'll just say this.

You're a star.

So am I.

But I think it's time for me to burn out.

Love, Kellin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic writes a letter back to Kellin, but doesn't intend on sending it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to write another part because why not? There will be one more chapter after this, at least I think. There might be two more, but we'll see.

Dear Kellin,

I got your letter. It was very hard to read.

Why did you write a letter?

You could have texted me.

You probably thought I would ignore it, right?

I wouldn't.

I never do.

It's been six months since we broke up, but I still read every single text you send me.

I pretend I don't.

But that doesn't stop the ache in my heart each time I see I have a new text from you.

I would say I wish you'd stop texting me.

But that's a lie.

Because those texts are the only things I have left of you, the strings that are keeping me tied to you.

I don't want to cut those strings.

I don't want to let you go.

I'm selfish.

I'm trying to let you go, but it's so hard.

I love you so much.

I'm sorry.

Pretend I didn't say that.

Please?

I don't think I'm going to give you this letter. It has too many of my feelings in it.

Maybe one day.

Your letter was so poetic, and beautiful. You've always had a way with words.

I don't. I'm not as talented or imaginative as you are. At least not when it comes to expressing my feelings.

But I can try, right?

You were worth everything. You were worth losing everything.

When people found out we were dating, I lost some of my friends. I told you it didn't matter. Because it didn't and it still doesn't. I'd pick you over anyone else any day.

I know you don't believe me. That's okay.

I never lied to you. You won't believe me, but it's true. I never lied. Every single word I said, I meant.

I loved you, Kellin....

I still do.

I wasn't the sun, you were. You were the sun on a cloudy rainy day, when the whole sky was dark with warning of an approaching storm. You were the sun, peeking out from behind the darkness every once and a while, filling everyone with a glimmer of hope. Hope that the clouds would drift away, and the sun would come out to show it's beautiful, bright face.

Sometimes I was Mercury, and I was so close I could practically feel you burning me, feel your familiar warmth, and then other times I was Neptune, oh so far away, and so cold I felt like I was freezing to death.

You were the sun, and I was Neptune, always pathetically grasping for you even though you were billions of miles away, and sometimes I was Mercury, almost within reach of touching you, able to just barely feel you, but never close enough to latch on, hold you.

It's always been a mix of that, Kellin. I'm not the sun. You are, and I'm the fool desperately trying to reach you, even though I know you'll only burn me.

You say you're not the brightest star in the sky, and that's true. But maybe that's what drew me to you.

What I think you don't realize is that the sun is a star, the brightest star in the galaxy. You're the sun on a dark dreary day, and you're unable to shine like you used to, before I knew you. But at one time, you did shine.

There are billions of stars in the galaxy, and there are many other galaxies with stars that shine even brighter than you.

But you were the only star I wanted.

You're the sun, and if you could, I know you'd shine brighter than any star in any galaxy in existence.

But you don't.

And you won't.

Because you can't.

I was stupid. When I met you, I didn't know how fragile or broken down you were.

As I began to fall in love with you, somehow I got it etched into my head that I could fix you.

That was wrong of me to think. And when I couldn't fix you, I got frustrated. Not with you, but with myself.

I know now that I can't fix you. You have to do it yourself.

You're right about one thing. We are opposites. You're soft spoken, and gentle. You're delicate, and sensitive. You're quiet, and mysterious. You get lost in your own head way too much, over thinking, and second guessing every word directed at you in fear that you've somehow pissed someone off. You think about other people's feelings, instead of your own. You're sad.

I'm ambitious, and driven. I'm sweet, and cheerful. I'm happy.

Or I was.

I was happy, and when you entered my life my happiness was tripled.

But now you're not in my life, and I'm no longer happy.

I've never been a sad person, but your absence is affecting me, and whenever something, good, or bad happens to me, my first thought is to tell you.

But I can't.

Because we're opposites.

And we didn't last.

Sometimes I regret it.

Scratch that, I always regret breaking up with you. But at the same I don't.

I didn't know what to do. What you said in your letter, was unfortunately true. You were killing me, though not in the way you think.

Each time you smiled, or laughed at something I said, there was always this underlying sadness there, just building up beneath the surface.

My happiness, my joy, didn't completely disappear, but it did definitely tone down.

The only thing I want in life is to be able to call you mine for the rest of my days.

Maybe I could have had that if I hadn't broken up with you.

But at that moment I couldn't think of a better or more suitable option.

You were dark, and being with you, attempting to cheer you up each day was draining me.

I was so focused on making you happy, that I began neglecting myself, and soon enough I was buried deep in the same darkness that consumed you, and the only way I could think of getting free was to cut the source of the darkness off; you.

You were smothering me, unleashing all your worries and fears and thoughts onto me, and I tried to be strong, I tried to help you through it all, but it was useless, and I wasn't doing anything but suffocating myself.

So without even thinking it through, I blurted out that we should break up.

"I don't love you the way I used to, and I think we should break up," I said.

I lied.

My love for you hadn't flickered down even once. If anything, I loved you more with each day that went by.

"You're destructive, and you're destroying me." I told you.

It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either. You were destroying me, draining the life out of me. But you weren't destructive. You were just sad, damaged.

You were like a hole in my favorite pair of jeans, and although I could sow you back together, you'd never be the same as you once were.

I remember when I said we were over, that look on your face is forever imprinted into my brain.

The way tears welled up in your eyes, and you choked out a 'why?' through the lump in your throat.

My chest ached and so badly I wanted to pull you into my arms and tell you I was just kidding, that I loved you, and whisper sweet nothings in your ear .

I'm so sorry, Kellin

You were a tornado, and I don't think there is a good kind, but if there is than you were it.

You were a tornado. A tornado of emotions, and fake smiles, and genuine laughter, and bright ocean blue eyes.

You were a tornado I don't regret getting caught in.

But like all tornadoes, you were ruining things, specifically me.

I told you I wanted to still be friends, but in reality I just wanted an excuse to be near you.

My plan was to get as far away from you as possible so you couldn't destroy me any more than you already did, but I couldn't imagine living without you.

It didn't matter because you said you didn't want to be friends.

I understood.

But it still hurt.

I hit myself for thinking that. I shouldn't be upset. I wasn't the one who got broken up with.

I barely see you at school anymore, which doesn't surprise me because you've always been good at blending in, not being noticed unless you want to be.

When I do see you, you usually duck down behind something, or pretend you don't see me, like you said in your letter.

I've recently noticed the dark circles under your eyes have gotten darker, and you've become even skinnier than before. I feel like it's because of me.

In your letter, you said I look radiant, and happy.

I don't think that's true. Maybe I'm just a really good actor. Most of my days I spend missing you and the feeling of your slightly smaller hand in mine.

I wish you knew how important you are. You're anything but nothing, and you matter so much to me.

You were everything to me.

You still are.

I miss you so much. I miss your big blue eyes, and the small giggles you always fail to contain.

I miss your laughter, and your smile. I miss the funny things you would say, and your stupid pick up lines.

I miss staring at you, admiring you when you weren't looking.

I miss kissing you, and I miss staring into your eyes and seeing so much damn love in them.

I miss you, Kellin.

I'm so sorry. I hate myself for hurting you. I miss holding you in my arms at night.

I loved you so much it hurt. When I looked at you, my heart ached with this fondness, this overwhelming love for you. And all I could think was that you were everything, and you were the love of my life, and I never wanted to let you go.

But I did,

You're a star, but you'll never burn out, I'll always hold you close to my heart

And maybe one day I'll finally be able to touch you without wor:rying about being burned. Maybe one day I'll be a bright star, and you will too.

Love, Vic


End file.
